I am running on two hours of sleep as I type this. I hardly ate all day. But I am in a state of absolute love.
It all started when my plane landed.
My brother said he’d pick me up from the airport. He said he’d bring food too! Damn, I was excited. I hadn’t eaten all day. I was starving. But he was nowhere to be found.
It started to rain. I waited, looking at the beautiful cloudy sky.
I call my brother, “Is everything okay?” Yes, he says. He made the wrong turn. He’ll be there in ten minutes but no food.
“Sounds great,” I tell him.
Thirty minutes pass.
He shows up.
I get in the car. And I smile.
Three years ago, I would have been angry at my brother. “Fuck you for being late!”
Two years ago, I would have been upset with my brother. “How could you let me down?”
Last year, I would have been passive aggressive. “Great job, pal!”
Today, just love. Love that I was going to see my brother. Love that I was loving myself. Love that I made incredible progress. Love that I had control over my mind. Love that Tej believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Love that I even existed at all when the universe could be made of absolutely nothing. Love for the experience of floating in the clouds on an airplane. Love to be home with my family. Love for life.
Love for my brother. To be able to give him all the tools he needs to be happy.
Love for my family. To be able to spend time with them.
When you are full of love, you want others to be love too. You want to see everyone win.
You see, most of the time we’re operating with clouds over our thoughts. What clouds our thoughts? Fear of death. Fear of what our boss will say. Fear of rejection. Scrolling too long on social media. Anyone with negative energy.
Anything can cloud our thoughts, really. It can be as simple as our monkey mind running wild because someone sent us a passive aggressive text or someone looked at us the wrong way. But why?! Life is too short to be unhappy.
You can choose happiness at this moment. You can choose to love yourself.
Simply repeat, “I love myself” ten times in a row. Do this for a month straight. You might think you sound so damn stupid at first. You’ll be like, “Why am I saying this?” Like it can’t actually change your life. It can’t actually make you happy.
But it worked for me.
I have been doing this for approximately three months. Once a day, at least ten times.
And is it part of the reason why I feel absolute love and joy? It has to play at least a small role in my happiness.
I believe I brainwashed myself.
I know this sounds like nonsense. I know you might not believe me. I know it doesn’t even make sense.
That you can say “I love myself” and you actually feel love? You can actually “be” love? Sounds like a bunch of hokey-pokey nonsense.
But the weird thing is “I love myself” came first. I started doing this practice after reading Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It.
On April 7, I started writing daily. On April 14, I started reading daily. On May 17, I started meditating daily. All the while, I’ve been posting, engaging, and trying to be helpful to anyone I can. Trying to be a light in the world. Spreading love to friends and family. Being the person who others can turn to. Being the person that I can turn to myself.
Messing up from time to time and loving myself for the mess ups, too. But staying consistent. Staying disciplined. Staying on the path.
And loving myself.
Written on May 28, 2020.